we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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