Ambien. No doubt about it.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
