Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
