so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
