My friends, they love my intelligence
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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