i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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