I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just found a bag of teeth...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
