Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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