so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
