don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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