I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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