my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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