insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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