i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
