gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
