I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
