I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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