i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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