very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
