New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize