My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
