How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
