My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just cut my nipple shaving
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
