i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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