turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
