Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
