just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
