Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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