He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
