i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
