And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
