i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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