i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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