Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize