I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
