Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
