Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
