you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize