you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
