once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
