My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
