We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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