I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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