I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
