White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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