I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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