There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
