your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
