he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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