if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
