I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
