Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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