So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
