He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
