I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
