Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just gift wrapped bread.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
