she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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