So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
