I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
